I have a tough time with this 7 letter word.
Balance between life, work, loving my family, workout, eating right (tough for this foodie-artisan-bread-lover), being mentally healthy, etc. I think we all struggle, but I saw my therapist yesterday, so it is forefront in my mind. I had a rough weekend last, not all of it, just a 7 year old birthday party that I get way too overwhelmed with, struggle with anxiety over everything being neat & tidy, my mother-in-laws approval of my home, instead of just, as my therapist says, "ENJOYING THE MOMENT." She mentioned a cartoon of a dog & man watching a sunset. They had cartoon bubbles reflecting their thoughts. The man's bubble had everything he needed to accomplish that day, every dramatic event in his life, etc. The dog's cartoon bubble: The exact sunset before him.
I want to be as free as the dog. I want to enjoy special moments with my husband & kids before its too late & they no longer have time for their annoying momma'.
Most people do not know, because I laugh a lot & try to make light of the crap that fills my mind, but, I'm a bit of a depressive with high anxiety & other flares that are doctor terms for being a bit "messed up in the head." Whatever it stems from, however its created, it is my reality, and I'm trying to get to a place where it does not control me. Last weekend I had high anxiety flares. I didn't handle it well. I lost it, in front of my sons, setting them up to have issues with abandonment and anxiety when they are older, if I don't nip this crap & recognize when I need to walk away and not continue the flaring.
My therapist told me when I sense my anxiety flaring, I need to STOP. Recognize the emotions and how I'm feeling, the cause...(usually anxiety or depression), then go do something calming, until I can discuss/handle the situation rationally. Her suggestions were to take a bubble bath, read a book...etc. I thought about it, and for me it probably would be more of hitting the pavement in my sneakers, on my bike, or going to the gym to lift. These things calm me because, lets face it, who can be angry/emotional when you are asking your body to perform?
The morning I lost my dog Booker, my best friend (who shared a recliner with me for years, laid back like a human does), I went and lifted, listening to .In Loving Memory, by Alter Bridge on repeat. I cried through the whole workout, was thankful for a semi-uncrowded gym, but it helped me to push my body through that extremely tough time. Thinking about how we came to bring him home, eating sheet rock off of our bedroom wall, getting mixed up with the paint brush when I was painting the living room, as well as the countless times of how he would adoringly kiss your face and just be content to be with the family, in the shed watching the stars. Best. Dog EVER.
Sometimes, just feeling my body struggle to lift, my muscles ache, my breathing rhythm, sweat melting the pain, it is very therapeutic. I also feel like even though my mind might be a whirlwind of chaos, that my body is strong & getting stronger, I can do 5 pull ups at a time now, where I used to not be able to do 1, as well as headstand push ups, and toes to bar work is getting far easier.
This is why I love the run. I love the peace it brings to my crazy soul. I love that in that moment, I have nothing else on my mind, I am ENJOYING THE MOMENT; the beauty, the SUNSET before me. To recognize that and bring it into situations at home is my challenge, but I'm on my way, one step at a time, like this journey. Putting one foot in front of the other & continuing until I reach the goal I set out to achieve. This week one night we read Max's favorite Dinosaur book where he copies every phrase I read, with as much enthusiasm as I put into the story. That combined with a back massage doohickey that tickles, created a celebration of giggles and what I truly needed that day. I was no where else, I was in my bed, laughing with my silly boys, enjoying that moment. I want that every day and I'm learning how to make it so.
Halloween costumes are DONE and I'm so excited for that. We've made apple butter & cider, begun carving pumpkins, and thanks to a bountiful year, we have MANY left to do (a few might make their way out to daddy's treestand), this will also lead to countless hours of roasting pumpkin seeds. Amidst harvest fun, getting ready for winter is another chore, we've also been finalizing our kitchen remodel & life has been very busy. The important things are loving my family & being there with my sons. The run will come. Though I'm not feeling my fastest, I'll improve in time. My only true worry is acclimating, but it has been such a wonderful fall here in Wisconsin, that too I hope is easy. So...milestones are coming, training plans are beginning, and winter is right around the corner, as is the muted sound of my tennis shoes on fresh fallen snow & Johnny Cash singing about blackberry jam cookin' in the pan melts into my ears & keeps me warm.
