Critical Thinking.

I've had some gains over the past couple of weeks, achieving my fastest 10K to date, of 43:36. My fastest race time ever was over 47 minutes, so I've found some fire in my shoes in the shorter runs.

I ran 16.64 miles the week before last, got a bit sick afterwards...so I thought I'd cut that down just a smidge. I ran 14 miles in 113 minutes on Saturday, not my fastest, but alright...not going to qualify for New York with that time, but for an easy long run, not shabby.

I don't know why, but even with these monumental positive gains, I'm extremely self-critical. I am always judging myself, what I eat, how hard I work, etc. In these mindfulness classes that I've attended, we've learned about self-love & loving kindness. The first thing you have to learn is to love yourself. If you cannot do that, you cannot love others. Going through some of these practices, instead of achieving loving myself, I started to panic over the thought of maybe I'm unable to love others? I find it quite emotionally impossible to love myself. Logically, I understand it, but emotionally, its tough. This is something I have to work on daily and rewire my brain.

I've had a couple instances occur, where I'm noticing others being critical of themselves, when they should be proud they are taking steps to improve. I feel empathy for others & want them to be proud of themselves & decisions they've made to improve. The other day I was running on the treadmill at the gym & this larger girl says to me, "I hope I'm as fast as you some day." She continued about how she was a sprinter in high school, but then lost the desire to run. I told her that I used to run middle distance in track, and was horrible at it and not until I was 28 years old did I ever really run further than 3 miles. Every time I see her at the gym I smile & say hello. I want to be encouraging of others, they are making their own monumental gains every day & I don't want them to have this critical, hurtful mind.

Another friend talked to me a week ago about what other people think of her and what she looks like when she goes to the gym and doesn't want people judging her there. I told her that she is THERE working on IMPROVING herself, if anyone judges that, they aren't worth a darn. I said, so you might not know how to do an exercise right away, so what. We all look silly and hey, some of us (not mentioning any names) even have the occasional toot escape while working obliques...Don't let what you think others think about you crush your dreams. Just keep at it, PRACTICE makes PERFECT. Keep on trying! I was telling her about how when I started lifting, a headstand push up was just a ridiculous notion; no way can I do that. And kick my toes up to the bar? 3 sets of 10? No. Way. Guess what, I can do both now. How? Practice. Dedication. Determination.

I want others to feel good about what they achieve and this is something I have struggled with internally for a long while. I do not have to bring a negative thought of "Not qualifying for New York" into the fact that I ran 14 miles in 113 minutes. I can just say, the fact, without the judgement. Recognizing that I'd really be happy if I were to qualify for New York, but in the same breath, being pleased with my accomplishments & gains here & now.